The Haunting of Silence

The Haunting, of Silence.

We now delve into the haunting of silence that often accompanies such experiences.

I grew up in a "normal" functional home. My parents were married, and I had two elder sisters and a pet dog named Fluffy, all in the same household. Both parents worked hard; we were well taken care of; all were sent to school and we were safe. We weren't rich, but I don't remember needing to ask anyone for anything. So yes, the household was indeed functional. I don't think it was noticed, but I had a secret. As much as I loved my mom, dad, and siblings, I didn't really like my life. How could I have been so loved yet feel so lost at such a young age? Isn't that what every child needs? Love, clothing, shelter, an education, and an older sister that would play hide and seek with me and her friend Petal whenever she came around? Come on, I didn't have friends, but I was cared for. Sometimes I wondered if my siblings saw the sorrow in my eyes, and if they did, we were kids, so making sure I was okay mentally wasn't their responsibility.

Question: How many of us really thought that our children's mental well-being should be a concern once we provided them with the checklist that society has set? Yeah, I didn't think so. Everything seems to be about becoming educated academically so we can get a good job and eventually move out. What happens after that? Do we teach parents about the signs? We were taught that a smile and laughter are a result of happiness; for me, it was just a mask. Maybe I should stop asking you all these questions; I don't intend to stir anything up, at least not yet. So let's exhale a bit. Woosah................ So let's talk about that smile of mine that I mentioned earlier, and, might I say, looking back now on the smile I once had, it was a beautiful one. Now, this isn't something that was taught in school, but I did master it because of its environment. School was the place where I learned how to smile. Whenever the bullies made fun of me, I smiled; when the teachers asked me if everything was okay, I smiled; and of course, when I got home from school, I smiled!

Smiling became my shield, my amour, my crutch, and the newly found formula for living life. I smiled so much that it became my face, no longer a removable mask. Dang, so I'm stuck with this face now. I definitely can't come clean and say that I'm miserable inside because my face now shows a convincing picture of happiness. Way to go, Aneisha. This was an investment; you don't just get up on a morning and smile at everything that comes your way. I put in a lot of practice and time; it took a lot of dedication, might I add. At home, I was a little monster. I snapped at everyone, rolled my eyes at my mother, and when my sisters tried to correct me, I'd call them silly names. There I was, at the age of ten, becoming the very thing I hated. It didn't take me long to realise that I slowly started having anger issues, as if I needed more to be added to my plate.

Two years had passed since, moved on to secondary school, and I remembered talking to myself saying, "This time it's going to be different; you're going to get noticed; people will like you, no matter the cost." Strong words, right? Words that I've grown to regret. Who could I have spoken to? In our culture, what could a child be facing? What problems could a child possibly have? I was taken care of! I never had a personal experience with someone saying those words to me, but I heard and saw others say that to children, so to me it was enough evidence that I should keep my mouth shut. Life continued, I lived a lie, and I smiled while doing so.

In the haunting silence, I found myself trapped, bottling up everything inside. With each passing day, the weight of my struggles and emotions grew heavier, yet I remained reluctant to share them with others. Honestly it's self-imposed isolation, a barrier that I had built to shield myself from being vulnerable. As I navigate this desolate landscape, I am reminded of the profound ache that came from carrying the weight of the world alone. The shadows deepen, and the haunting silence persists.